January 8th, 2013

minime

gah, six weeks

Clearly, I spend way more time thinking about updating than I do actually updating. I should make some sort of new year's resolution or something.

The job is going okay, I think. I had a run in with my boss two weeks in. I worked over my scheduled time, which I've done at other jobs and not had it been a problem, but apparently it's a problem at this one. Now I know. But my boss tried to get me to backdate my timesheet so that the extra hour or so I worked just disappeared into the aether, and then we got into something of a fight when I pointed out to her that that was illegal. At this job, anyone can get fired within 30 days if it doesn't seem to be working out, so I've been sort of paranoid ever since that I pissed her off enough that she's going to let me go at my 30 day review, which I haven't had yet even though I've worked there for 6 weeks. It's probably a mark of how much of a fish out of water I've felt over the past two years that I no longer even have confidence in my ability to shelve books without pissing people off. However, I'm hoping (and I think I'm right, and that my insecurities are just eating at me, and not telling me anything substantive) that she's the sort of boss that, if I was totally failing and in danger of being fired, she's let me know. She has either sent me emails or talked to me in person about a couple of minor things (like one day when she thought from a distance that I was wearing jeans, and that I needed to be reminded of the dress code; even after she got up close to me and realized they were corduroys), so I hope there's nothing major lurking behind minor stuff like that. On the other hand, the kid who got hired at the same time as me, K, got fired for reasons that I, of course, am not allowed to know (I suspect he left town for Christmas instead of working or getting his shift covered, but I'm not sure). So that's just another layer of uncertainty and unease--knowing that they can, and do, let people go within the first 30 days. But then again, if they wanted to fire me, surely they'd just do it, and not wait until my review? And I know that my review got sent to HR for THEM to review, so if she wanted to fire me, my boss would have to come up with at least a semi-legitimate excuse…and looking at the form, I think she has to be complementary on at least three of the four criteria. Also, I had my 30-day shelving test already, and did perfectly. No errors. So she might be holding a grudge from the first two weeks, and she might slam me for being late sometimes (getting to work at 7:30am is hard when you ride your bike and it's cold and you keep getting flats), but I always make up my time so I work what I'm scheduled, and I don't lie on my timesheet, either in my favor or in the district's. So I just don't know. I need to just relax and shut my brain up. She was talking today about the staff meeting on the 23rd, and about altering my schedule that day so I can attend it, which she wouldn't be doing if she was going to fire me. Shut up, anxiety brain. Shut up shut up shut up.

I'm living in a house right now with my friends W and R and their two dogs, George and Maggie….Maggie is actually half-asleep with her head on my stomach right now. It's pretty great. Except for the part where I just remembered I meant to get my book from way over there across the room…I'm still trying to find a second job so that I can earn enough money to move out of their place. This is not a long term situation that I can stay in, much as I love living with dogs again. They're better than anti-depressants. And George is big enough to use as a pillow.

My bike ride to work is long, but nice. That'll be another entry. I need to get new, tougher tires--my route is along a river and the goat head thorns are fierce--and bike shoes.

Nothing on the love life front. There's a guy that I've been thinking about asking if he wants to enter into a FWB situation, but realistically, I won't ask. Because I'm a big coward. It's pathetic but I'm pretty much resigned to being single forever. All of the things that I told myself about being single before I had a boyfriend don't apply anymore. I'm too fucked up to put myself out there for anybody.